Hello all. Its been a while hasn’t it? I’m not really sure what happened there but I hope you either didn’t miss me too much or enjoyed the break from my ramblings depending on how you view this blog. I thought it was about time I got back into the swing of things again and try and keep a regular update going. One of the things I have found hard in my recovery has been making a note of how I feel on a daily, if not hourly, basis. Somehow the idea of doing so feels silly, strange and daunting all in equal measure and freely admit that I have not managed to do this. Or so I thought. During a recent counselling session I discussed this with my counsellor and I was honestly surprised when she suggested that I had already been doing so (wait for it…..) in this blog! So there’s me thinking I’m rambling into the ether but bot only do a few of you read it but it is also beneficial in my recovery.
The last few weeks have carried on being tough. Part of this I can put down to the change of season and this year it seems to have been a strange transition from summer to autumn. With the big rides gone and out of the way I’ve found myself suddenly at a stop. I’ve had less to stress over as a result but this has ion some way also been a strange sensation, somehow leaving a vacuum which is yet to be filled. I know that for you reading this you will see the blatantly obvious benefit of this already yet to my warped cerebral machinations this makes only limited sense. It’s another thing I want to get over and so I’m trying hard not to find a replacement, at least just yet.
Not that I’m saying I’ve been totally happy the last few weeks. In fact I’ve been facing up to a lot more issues than I was prepared to admit even a couple of months ago. The elephants in the room are finally being recognised and its time to work on them. I’ve alluded to parts of this in past blog posting but I think the post I made on identity is closest to the truth. I’m struggling in a big way to work out who exactly I am, what it is I want and how I can get there. On the face of it that looks selfish but that is a feeling I need to get over and learn to recognise when it is ok to look out for others and be selfless and then times when I have to be a bit more selfish. That’s not to say I am going to change everything in my life, far from it, just making changes to some areas which are continuing to sap energy, confidence and happiness.
Last week marked the “anniversary” of me owning up to a problem that was a long time coming. I can look back on it now and realise it was horrendous and awful at the time. I know that I am still on the road to recovery and there is a lot more work to do. Yet in a perverse way I’m glad it happened because otherwise I’d still be careering my life away .