So this isn’t strictly a cycling entry, so apologies to my cycling followers for today. But the last few weeks I’ve been struggling a bit. It’s always that “what’s the point?” question that we all have once in a while but which tends to arise too often for my liking. It’s not quite the “black dogs” that I did have last year, but even so it is demoralising, de-energising, debilitating – mentally if not physically. I think there’s 3 things that are happening to sap the energy I have: first, I’m constantly fighting the urge to go into a default setting of negativity, of lightening defensive reflex, of panic; second, I’m playing a bit of a charade around some of the things I do out of necessity but it takes effort to live these “lies”; third it takes energy to chart a new path but scares me witless at the same time. So in the last month I’ve felt that lack of energy catching up on me and so have taken a few steps back. That’s not bad in the grand scheme of things given the progress I have made but still not nice.
And what I’ve come to realise today follow a counselling session is that I am not great at communicating. I can talk to a complete stranger but talking to those around me feels more difficult. maybe it’s because I’ve so much vested in those relationships and fear losing them. I’m not alone there. Talking to a friend from University via Facebook she told me that she finds the blog she writes and the emails she sends great as there is no answer back. For me this blog is another way of doing that and I’m always wary of disclosing too much. But it’s still not communicating. Communication is a two-way process: talking and listening. Obviously I’m pretty good at the first…. in some ways. I still don’t talk about what is really going on in my head and often because I don’t know where to start. it makes little sense to me. But I’m pretty rubbish at listening. I either zone out or try to prioritise my concerns. So communication lets me down. I need to find a way to get better at it so here’s another lot of training I need to pick up, need to find a “coach”.
So that’s today’s entry. No Tour de France heroes, no quest for the miles on the bike, just the more mundane story of what goes on in my head. Why write it? Because I’ve had my moment to talk. I hope you didn’t mind listening.